Well, here it is. A new year. The emotions I feel upon facing Two Thousand Twelve range from excited to nervous to hopeful to who knows what else. But, to answer Budd’s eternal question, the biggest R I’m feeling right now is Relief.
2011 was the year from Hell. Now, look – I get it. I got married in 2011 and that is a magical, special thing. Our wedding (which maybe I will post about someday, right?) was a really amazing day and we loved the heck out of it. It was incredible to have so many people we adore in one place and all in our new hometown. It was important that SteveKam and I made our promises to each other OUT LOUD and in front of all those people. It matters. It’s important. It was great.
But, let’s face it. One day a year does not make. We battled with our budget as we tried to recover from our big move (totally worth it though , of course), I found myself becoming more concerned about details than about calling my friends back on the telephone, we grumped at those we loved and grumped at each other.
And then there was Kyra.
Why the universe would choose that time to reclaim the sweetest soul whom had ever been a part of my life was a question I asked (and still ask) on pretty much a daily basis. She was my best friend. I lost her. It hurt. It still hurts.
The circumstances and timing surrounding her passing made the bulk of 2011 very painful, to be honest. If I am being very honest, I would tell you that it made it incredibly difficult to continue planning a big, happy day meant to be filled with joy and love. I really struggled.
The thing of it is… I went into kind of a zombie mode during that post-Kyra time. I just kept going. I had no choice. I just wanted to get through it. After the wedding, I woke up a little… long enough to fall in love with a sweet little pup and welcome her into our family…. but before I knew it, it was time to think about holidays and cope with the fact that my parents were moving overseas (that’s another post, too). One morning I woke up … and would you look at that? It was January 1.
So, I’m left here – feeling like my rigid little limbs are unfurling from the (cannon)ball I had tucked myself into for nigh on 10 months. My eyes are readjusting to the light. My ass — my big post wedding ass — is all pins and needles.
I greet 2012 with a sigh. I’m so glad to have an entire year ahead of me. I’m not usually one to get into making resolutions, but I find myself kind of excited to promise new things to myself. After spending the better part of one year planning an event and tending to a sick loved one… yeah, I’d like to promise myself to take yoga again. And hey! I’m going to lose that last bit of weight I never got around to, too. And while I’m at it, why not work on building something monetary out of all that damn work I did last year? I am also promising myself to get out and about more this year – because you know what? Now I have the time.
I’m starting to live up to one promise already by writing this post. I am promising to be more honest with myself. I am promising to face my fears and my insecurities. I am promising to work on them. I am promising (oh God, I am reeeeeeally trying to promise) to be kinder to myself from now on. It is okay to be imperfect – it is okay to not be the best at every single thing you do every single day. I think I need to write this stuff down to remind myself that it is true (or at least it is true to 98.752% of the world. I am part of that 2.248% still trying to grasp such easy concepts).
So, here’s to Two Thousand Twelve. May it be gentle.